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They may promise to change and start acting kindly, where the cycle then begins again. They may then be abusive but quickly apologise and excuse their own behaviour. Trauma bonding often follows a cycle of treating you kindly and showing affection with gifts, time together and praise. If others question their behaviour, you make excuses for them, defend their behaviour or try to protect them by keeping their abuse a secret. It may feel scary to take back your own control, and you might feel more comfortable being controlled. It is common to feel powerless in trauma bonds and that they have all the power.īecause of their control, you may not know how to break free, or it may be that you feel lost without them. This deepens the bond and makes the brain unable to see the big picture or long-term implications. The brain sees the abuser as the person who provides immediate comfort and safety. Then, when the abuser offers positive reinforcement such as comforting you afterwards or apologising, your brain sees this as the end of the stress. Instead, it puts all your energy into just getting through the trauma. It shuts off the pre-frontal cortex, which focuses on the long-term. When you suffer abuse, this causes stress and your sympathetic nervous system kicks in to provide a fight/flight response. Trauma bonding works because it focuses on the short-term memory and fight, flight or freeze response. It could be with family members or caregivers, cult leaders, or hostage situations. Trauma bonding can often occur in romantic relationships but can also occur in any dynamic where manipulation is used.
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A good indication of trauma bonding is if a loved one were in a similar situation, you would advise them to leave. Trauma bonding is where you can recognise the abuse but feel unable to leave. You can feel powerless and blame yourself for the situation. However, there may then be abuse (verbal, physical, psychological, for example), and your loyalty towards this person may prevent you from removing yourself from the situation or creating healthy boundaries. It is natural to develop a bond when someone treats you with kindness and affection. Trauma bonding usually occurs when someone alternates between kindness and abuse. Trauma bonding is a complex attachment style where you feel a bond to someone, even if they are abusive towards you. These can be signs of trauma bonding – a cyclical attachment style prevalent in abusive relationships. Do you feel loved one minute and devalued the next?ĭo you want to stay in a red-flag relationship when everyone else tells you to leave?Īre you scared of leaving someone who treats you unkindly?